Thursday, July 29, 2010

little victories...

It feels like forever ago that I applied to go back to school.  I'm sure it was in the beginning of this year.  But it feels like I've been thinking and talking about this forever.  As it so happens, I'm taking everything one tiny step at a time.  Today I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere.  I have been accepted to continue at Mizzou in their Distance and Independent Study program.  I've done the FAFSA and been offered financial aid.  I've made arrangements with the cashiers office to lift the 10 year old hold on my account.  And this morning I e-mailed my academic advisor to ask questions about which classes I should be looking into.  I've reviewed the prerequesites and required tasks for the classes that I hope to take and I'm prepared (once I've got my degree plan from my advisor) to register.  After that, I'll be back in school.  I'm terrified.  But tears keep coming to my eyes when it hits me that I'm actually going to do this.  I'm actually going to graduate from college.  I'm even going to graduate from the college that I chose so many years ago. 
I think I'm ready for this ride.  In fact, I know I am.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Am I enough??

This summer has brought new challenges to me and the Bear.  He hasn't seen his father since spring break in March and despite my offers, he's not choosing to write or call him.  He's never gone this long without speaking to his father.  While I personally don't mind not talking to CAB, I don't know how I feel about the Bear losing all contact.  CAB has only called a few times despite my asking him to try harder to let our son know that he thinks about him. 
I know it's rather traditional of me, but I just think that a boy his age needs a man in his life.  I'm completely unwilling to bring the men in my life around him.  (Despite my consistant rantings about being single, there's always someone hanging around.)  I don't let men meet him if they aren't making a commitment to stick around.  I just feel like he needs that bond and it's one thing that I can't give him. 
I signed him up for the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program and we are currently waiting to be matched.  He honestly wasn't all that enthused about it when I brought it up.  I asked him to please try it and he eventually warmed to the idea.  At an orientation meeting they asked for a one year commitment, so I had to broach the subject with him again.  He said he was willing to try for a year.  I think he's actually looking forward to it.  It scares me to think that he's already given up on the idea that his dad will be in his life.  And simultaneously it pisses me of that the CAB would think that it's okay to just disappear after 10 years of being there from whatever distance.  I mean, what does that say to our son?  How do I assure him that I'm never going anywhere if his dad can just walk out that easily?
I hope that he gets matched soon and I pray that this will be a good experience for him.  I want him to have that "guy time".  He's even mentioned to me that he's ready for a step-dad.  He's told me in the past that he didn't like the idea of me dating.
I saw pictures of a friend with her husband and son a few days ago and while I cooed over how cute they were, I realized that my son doesn't have one picture of us as a family.  It was so disjointed when it existed and over so soon after he was born that we don't have one picture of us all together.  That's what I want to give him.  I want him to have the family like everyone else's.  I know in this day and age family comes in all different forms, but on this, I want tradition.  A mom, a dad and some kids. (Or even just the one.)  In this I don't feel I can give him enough.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

so long gone...

I try not to be a flake and I hate excuses.  I simply got too lazy to post.  I didn't want to read my own whining.  I didn't think what I wanted to say was relevant.  But now, I need to put this down.  I need to vent this...
About 2 and a half years ago, I made the decision to stop relaxing my hair.  I don't know when I had this big "Ah-ha!" moment, but I'm sure it was one of the times I pulled out a clump of my own hair while rinsing out relaxer, or when I was cleaning up the many split ends and broken hairs that had fallen on the bathroom counter.  Maybe it was one of the mornings that I spent 30 minutes flat ironing my hair only to walk out into humidity or wind or rain and had it hanging limply on my head for the rest of the day.  Whatever the reason, I made the conscious decision to stop straigtening my hair.  I dealt with the frustration of growing it out while all of the relaxed hair screamed for it's chemical fix and broke off.  I fought with new growth that laughed at the heat of the flat iron that left burns on my scalp but did NOT straighten my roots. I finally chopped of the relaxed hair in August 2008.  I cried in the parking lot of the salon because I'd never seen my own natural hair on my head before.  It was foreign to me.  I looked alien and boyish.  I ran out and bought eyeliner and big earrings.  I took nauseatingly strong vitamins to help it grow.  In the last two years I've learned a new love for my hair.  I've revelled in not running from rain or backing out of pool party invitations.  I skip happily out of my bathroom after 5 minutes of spraying and fluffing to make my fro stand up and shine.  I love touching my tiny little curls and playing with all of the different textures while I'm sitting at a stop light or watching tv.
I don't want to go back to relaxing and flat ironing and paying googobs of money for a wash and set.

But others are not so content with my decision.  My boss has been making comments since the day I cut it off.  "What do you plan to do with it?"  "I liked your long hair."
I had a Black co-worker tell me that I'd never get ahead if I try to "stand out".  She told me it would be okay if we were in the music industry or on the east coast, but it's not acceptable in the office that we're in.  She actually told me that I was far too intelligent and talented to waste my potential because I won't conform. (She didn't use those exact words, but that was the jist of it.) 

Yesterday, while standing in my boss' office, she looked at me and said point blank, "I've decided it's time that you do something with your hair.  You need to put it back the way that it was.  Make it pretty again."

This is not an issue of vanity for me anymore.  I know that I'm beautiful.  This is now just offensive.  It pisses me off that she feels that:
1. She has the right to tell me what I need to do with my hair.  As long as it's washed and sufficiently combed and doesn't show signs of neglect, she doesn't get a say.
2. It's appropriate to make a comment like that to me.  Like somehow, I'm just performing a social experiment and have now proven my point.
3. That the implication that straight hair is the only pretty hair would not strike me as offensive.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I had no intention of straightening my hair again.  I will not damage for the sake of fitting into some sort of social norm with which I don't even agree.  But the statement still hit me wrong.  All wrong. 
I understand the concept of what India Arie was saying.  But in this instance, I do feel like I am my hair.  I'm not going to damage my own self image because they can't get over their gentrified bullshit.