Monday, September 6, 2010

heavy on my mind

This was supposed to be my free weekend.  This was supposed to be a carefree 3 days.  But I can't think of anyone but him and all of the things I want to say to him.  And by him, I mean CAB...the cowardly ass bastard that fathered my child. 
You see, he's taken the back seat in all things related to the Bear.  He threw his hands up and walked away.  He's tried in every way possible to wash his hands of ME...and that's resulted in his not knowing how to be a part of our son's life.  But then he realized that we are surviving with out him.  And now he wants to pull a 180.
He asked to take my son.  I mean, he's our son.  But it's really difficult not to think of him as my son.  I've been here all day, every day since the day he was born.  And I WANT him to know his father.  I've always wanted that.  I volunteered to let him spend the summers with his dad.  CAB says that he can't afford that now.  I told him when he moved that it would be hard to be a part of his son's life.  CAB said that he didn't have a choice and the only way for him to find work was to move 5 hours away.  I begged, and I mean begged, him to call his son and interact.  Show him that he thinks about him.  CAB has only called 3 times in the last 11 months.  And he's only seen the Bear twice in the same amount of time. 
So I enrolled my son in the Big Brother program.  I wanted him to know that men could be consistant.  I wanted him to have a man to turn to.  CAB's solution?  I should send my son to live 5 hours away with him.  He's the only man that should teach my son what it is to be a man. 
I barely contained myself enough to not blurt out that he hasn't demonstrated being a man yet.  Not as far as the Bear is concerned.
I cried.  I felt guilty.  I talked to friends.  Mothers and non-mothers alike.  I called and sobbed on the phone to my dad.
Am I selfish to keep my son away from his dad?  Am I keeping him here just for me?  Is staying here the best course of action for my son?  Am I doing him a disservice to not send him to live there?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Possibly.
It all changed when a friend (a non mother) said, "Well, it's not like you'll never see him again."  I'm not positive what it was about that statement, but the nonchalance with which she said it just bothered me.  She's right, I'll see him.  But I don't want to see him.  I want to be in his life.  I want to RAISE him.  That's the choice that I made when I had him.  I've been his mother first and foremost since the day I realized I was pregnant.
That is not the choice that CAB made.  He half assed it.  He let me do the heavy lifting while he continued to live for himself.  He got married and had another child and made his life in a city separate from his first born son.  He made no attempt to keep contact.  He ignored every attempt that I made to keep him in contact.  Now he wants me to take a back seat. He wants me to agree to miss all of those moments that he just gave up.
I do think my son should get to see his dad and have a relationship with him.  The tentative schedule is that I'll revisit the idea when he's heading to Jr High School in 2 years.  That way I can watch CAB and see if he's really making an effort and not just continuing to parent at his own convenience.  And I'll have the chance to mentally prepare and gauge how much my son needs it.

1 comment:

  1. Guilty? Guilty? You have NOTHING to feel guilty about! That boy is YOURS, and yours only.

    I had my son alone, and while his biological father knew al about it he chose not to take an active role. Fine by me. But if he ever comes in the future asking for rights over my son he had better be prepared to face me in court. Because that boy is mine, and mine alone. Having sex with me once a couple of years ago does NOT make him my son's father and does NOT give him any rights. ANY.

    Now, I don't hold any grudges against the guy either. We email, we speak, I send him occasional photos and videos of C. When C is older, if he wants to know about his biological family I will tell him the truth and help them get in touch. But I set the rules, and sister, so should you.

    No guilt.