Last year, for various reasons that I won't get into at this point, I fell into a really deep depression. I was in a relationship with a man that didn't deserve or value me. I stopped valuing myself. I was miserable. All, and I mean ALL, of my friends started these promising new relationships with wonderful people around that time. I just disappeared. I retreated and slept for days on end. Eventually I ran into a friend that saw I wasn't going to pull out of it on my own. She helped me find a therapist. It's been almost a year and it's been awesome. I've really gotten a whole new perspective on my reality as it stands at the moment. I feel like myself again. I feel myself falling now and again, but I take a step back and take a breath. I handle what I can and hand everything else over to God, Yaweh, Mana, Allah or whatever deity you align yourself with. I'm getting out again and doing things that I wouldn't have ever done before.
This past weekend, I pushed the limits of my comfort zone a little more. I was invited by a few friends to go to a benefit for the San Antonio AIDS Foundation. WEBB Party 2010 was an amazing experience. I wasn't going to go, but a friend offered to cover the ticket for me. So I got a sitter and dusted off my makeup case and went out. It was really great. 28 local restaurants had tasting tables with amazing food. Several of the local bars donated bartenders and liquor for the event. My friend's girlfriend was the emcee for the event and there was even an awesome drag show. I met lots of new people, laughed, danced and had a fantastic time. I couldn't help but think that this time last year, I wouldn't have wanted to go. Or I'd have gone and spent the entire night checking my phone to see if my "boyfriend" was going to call. I wouldn't have felt comfortable talking to people. Friday night was freeing. I'm back. I'm happy. I'm all sorts of fexi. (FEXI = fat and sexy, because let's face it, people don't realize that it can come in the same package) It was really great.
Then I slipped. While hanging out at a bar after the event, I got it in my head that I wanted...in the interest of not being crass, I'll say, "physical therapy". I texted a friend. He's a guy that I've always found attractive. I've known him for years and I know he'd never date me. He's alluded to the fact that he found me attractive, but I don't fit the "image" of a girl he'd be seen with. (Another non-believer of the Fexiness) I knew it wasn't a great idea, but after a great night and a few drinks I just wanted...more. Well it went worse than originally expected and I felt horrid by the end of the night. I mean, I've bounced back, but it's still just embarrassing to some extent. I went back to another man that doesn't see my value and basically asked for validation. I don't get why I do that. I don't understand my idiotic obsession with frustrating myself. I just shouldn't have.
But I'm going to try to remember all of the good stuff and only the lessons learned from the bad.
We'll see if it works. Someone out there sees me, or will, for everything I have to offer. Good and bad. I just have to stop settling for the frogs I know don't want to change.
Anyhow, I spent the day with the Bear and we enjoyed ourselves. We went to a BBQ plate sale a friend was having for the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure. (Notice how all of my charitable contributions involve food or drink?) That was an adventure since it was on the other side of town and there's been torrential downpour in the area for the last 2 days. It was good. I saw friends and had great food. And I didn't even THINK about any of the bad stuff that had been on my mind.
I also got a call from CAB. He says he can't take the Bear for the summer. He can't afford it and pay child support as well. My first reaction was guilt. (Am I asking too much? Am I keeping my son from his father?) My next reaction was anger. But as I thought about it, I realized I could rise to this setback too. I called CAB back and told him I want my son to know his father and his little sister. I told him that I can do a lot but I can't be his father. I offered to give back $300 from the child support and he can have the Bear for the month of July. Deep inside I don't think it should have come to that. But right up top, I can't watch my baby's heart break any more. He'll see his dad for a month and I'll pay back a portion of the support to make it happen. CAB agreed to this. I didn't ask for help on this one. I know what my friends would say. I just made the offer. My plan had been to get a second job while the Bear was gone for the summer. I wanted to put away some cash. But I guess plans change. I can do it...I can make it happen. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Atlas was a punk. The world's not that damned heavy.
I have a couple of pics from the event.
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