Thursday, July 22, 2010

so long gone...

I try not to be a flake and I hate excuses.  I simply got too lazy to post.  I didn't want to read my own whining.  I didn't think what I wanted to say was relevant.  But now, I need to put this down.  I need to vent this...
About 2 and a half years ago, I made the decision to stop relaxing my hair.  I don't know when I had this big "Ah-ha!" moment, but I'm sure it was one of the times I pulled out a clump of my own hair while rinsing out relaxer, or when I was cleaning up the many split ends and broken hairs that had fallen on the bathroom counter.  Maybe it was one of the mornings that I spent 30 minutes flat ironing my hair only to walk out into humidity or wind or rain and had it hanging limply on my head for the rest of the day.  Whatever the reason, I made the conscious decision to stop straigtening my hair.  I dealt with the frustration of growing it out while all of the relaxed hair screamed for it's chemical fix and broke off.  I fought with new growth that laughed at the heat of the flat iron that left burns on my scalp but did NOT straighten my roots. I finally chopped of the relaxed hair in August 2008.  I cried in the parking lot of the salon because I'd never seen my own natural hair on my head before.  It was foreign to me.  I looked alien and boyish.  I ran out and bought eyeliner and big earrings.  I took nauseatingly strong vitamins to help it grow.  In the last two years I've learned a new love for my hair.  I've revelled in not running from rain or backing out of pool party invitations.  I skip happily out of my bathroom after 5 minutes of spraying and fluffing to make my fro stand up and shine.  I love touching my tiny little curls and playing with all of the different textures while I'm sitting at a stop light or watching tv.
I don't want to go back to relaxing and flat ironing and paying googobs of money for a wash and set.

But others are not so content with my decision.  My boss has been making comments since the day I cut it off.  "What do you plan to do with it?"  "I liked your long hair."
I had a Black co-worker tell me that I'd never get ahead if I try to "stand out".  She told me it would be okay if we were in the music industry or on the east coast, but it's not acceptable in the office that we're in.  She actually told me that I was far too intelligent and talented to waste my potential because I won't conform. (She didn't use those exact words, but that was the jist of it.) 

Yesterday, while standing in my boss' office, she looked at me and said point blank, "I've decided it's time that you do something with your hair.  You need to put it back the way that it was.  Make it pretty again."

This is not an issue of vanity for me anymore.  I know that I'm beautiful.  This is now just offensive.  It pisses me off that she feels that:
1. She has the right to tell me what I need to do with my hair.  As long as it's washed and sufficiently combed and doesn't show signs of neglect, she doesn't get a say.
2. It's appropriate to make a comment like that to me.  Like somehow, I'm just performing a social experiment and have now proven my point.
3. That the implication that straight hair is the only pretty hair would not strike me as offensive.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I had no intention of straightening my hair again.  I will not damage for the sake of fitting into some sort of social norm with which I don't even agree.  But the statement still hit me wrong.  All wrong. 
I understand the concept of what India Arie was saying.  But in this instance, I do feel like I am my hair.  I'm not going to damage my own self image because they can't get over their gentrified bullshit.

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